I scream, you scream, we all scream for …

My therapist doesn’t want me to be alone this weekend, so we’re trying to figure out who can stay with me. This type of stuff is probably the worst part of dealing with a mental illness. I feel like a twat for inconveniencing everyone, and I have nothing physical to show for how I’m doing, like someone with a broken leg would. I can’t even say if I’ll be okay or not because I don’t know.

I’m trying to better understand my emotions. I have somewhat of a blunted affect when it comes to them. I used to be extremely over-emotional during my teen years, but I’ve slowly become more numb / apathetic as times passes. I have to watch for physical clues (how I eat, if I’m sleeping too much, losing interest in things, etc) in order to understand how I feel. If I feel anything intensely anymore, it’s usually depression, and it’s usually a side effect of my medication (like what happened the other night). It’s annoying to not really know yourself, but I’m working on figuring it out.

Anyway, I have lots of support right now, which is really nice, and my mom and I are going out to get ice cream soon. Not everything is shit.

I believe I can see the future / cos I repeat the same routine

I liked being on zyprexa (anti-psychotic) at first, but after having my dosage increased in the hospital, I’ve been having loads of crappy side effects. I’m calling my psychiatrist on Monday to sort out this issue. It’s so frustrating to go through this cycle of trial and error. I thought I’d stopped it once I was on geodon, but after a few months on it, it started to give me really awful side effects. That’s when I just stopped taking it cold turkey, without the doctor’s approval, and everything went to shit.

I’m not sure how far to plan ahead in my life right now. I want to attend classes next semester, but I want to feel like I’m fairly stable and with a combination of medication that will allow me to function properly. The worst side effects that I get are suicidal thoughts / depression and akathisia. Akathisia makes you want to bang your face into a wall repeatedly and kill people. It’s a very intense feeling of uneasiness, and when it happens to me, I pretty much want to kill myself. The last time it happened was during my hospitalization; I was lying in bed and I couldn’t get comfortable no matter what position I laid in. I kept pulling at the skin on my face and arms in order to calm myself down. It was fucking awful.

Anyway, the only side effects I’m experiencing now are slight weight gain and pretty severe fatigue in the mornings. I just slept for quite a while, even though I slept through the night. Ugh.

I feel okay right now though. I got through yesterday without incident and today seems to be going in the same direction (aside from the sleeping). I’m seeing my therapist in a few hours for an emergency session because of my recent hospitalization. I like my therapist, so I’m looking to it. Talking through things really helps me.

For what it’s worth, I’ve done these two drawings last night / today: