Bits and Pieces

My mom stayed home this weekend with me and everything was quiet, thankfully. I haven’t fell fully stable, but I have felt small improvements. I think my medication may need to be changed, but I’m waiting a few more days before I call my psychiatrist.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to accept all of this. I know the my hallucinations and delusions and such aren’t real, yet I still can’t believe that it all exists in my head. It’s hard for me to realize that nobody else knows of these things; that they only exist to me.

Lately, what seems to bother me most is a fear of everything being poisoned, my legs snapping in half, the cats spying on me, and my fear of being shot in the head. I talk myself through them, but it’s difficult and terrifying, regardless, because I never feel I can escape these feelings fully.

What’s most been bothering me lately is my boyfriend’s absence. We agreed a few weeks ago to take a break from seeing each other so we could work on our individual issues better. I was fine with it for a while, but now I’m not. We’re still together, but I wonder if we’re going to work or not. I don’t want to go into great detail about this now, but we’ve had issues in the past, and I’m wondering if this might be a repeat of what happened then. I hope not, but I don’t know. I tried calling his cell phone the other day, but it was turned off, and I was too afraid to call his house phone after that. The last time we spoke, he wasn’t in a good mood and he said some pretty shitty things to me, so that’s why I’m hesitant to speak with him. I have enough going on and I don’t need his moods to bring me down further. I just wish I knew what exactly was going on. We have different views on how to treat mental illness, and I think that might ultimately be the end of us. I don’t know though. I try not to think about this too much. I have a wonderful support system without him, and that’s what really matters the most.