la tristesse ne durera pas

My brother and I went out and got coffee and it made me feel better. Reading my earlier post seems like reading something someone else wrote. I’ve been very up and down lately in a lot of ways. My medication was decreased and it’s not doing a lot to help me at the moment, but the higher dose was too high and giving me lots of awful side effects. I’m hoping to switch meds this coming Friday when I meet with my psychiatrist.

I’m also hoping that I can get in to school again, because I really need the distraction. This past month I’ve been dealing with all my problems without much else going on and it’s starting to become very overwhelming. I’ve been afraid to go out much because I don’t know how stable I’ll be. I haven’t felt very secure lately and anything sudden (loud noises, flashes of light) can possibly trigger a hallucination / extreme sense of panic. I’ve had lots of anxiety lately, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel like I could handle classes though, since there’s a focus on learning in that environment and not so much a focus on me, if that makes sense.

The future will be good, I know it will.

Quiet Desperation

I haven’t been having a good day today. I started feeling bad last night and it’s just continued on, apparently. I’ve been in the house too much with too much focus on my problems and not enough distraction. I actually called Jake (boyfriend, ex, whatever) because I thought he might be around to go out for coffee or something, but he’s already got other plans. We might see each other during the week, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m just desperate for some kind of connection and sanity right now.

Sometimes I’m not sure how good of an idea it was to start this blog. It causes me to focus so much on my problems, and occasionally it gets to  be unbearable. Things have just been really hard lately and when it gets to this level I can’t seem to rely on anything to help distance me from my problems. Maybe once school starts I’ll feel better.