I’m dealing with some kind of psychotic episode right now. It’s been going on for a few days now, but it wasn’t really severe until today. I feel very detached from everything, and I can’t seem to stop myself from spewing crap all over the internet in very jumbled form, like this:
I read a blog of Pete Wentz’s earlier, and while I like that he writes without a PR person, it was very bland compared to what Richey would have written. Lots of things are more mainstream these days, but they’re stupid and flat. There’s no meaning behind it. The Manics had loads more depth behind it all. I think it’s really sad that self-destructive is regarded with a sigh these days instead of being taken seriously. In America, psychiatry runs rampant with diagnoses and medication so everyone’s “sick” but nobody understands why. We have awareness but nothing deeper. If everyone is special than nobody is.
I don’t even know if that makes sense. My brain seems to be running in seven different directions at once right now. I’ve been making up formulas for life (born, school, marriage, kids) and seeing life as being a series of monotonous tasks that we all must do, which then negates individuality. I don’t think that makes sense to anyone but me. I’m not depressed or anything. I just feel too aware of everything … or something. All these formulas made me not real though, and I ended up burning my wrist with a cigarette a few times before calling my mom to try and put a foot back in reality through words. It helped me get rid of the urge to hurt myself more, but I still feel awfully disconnected. I couldn’t recognize my voice as coming from me.
I’ve been a different person lately. More serious. Things seem very flat to me and I’ve been clinging to things like music as a way to communicate to people. Everything has felt very urgent, like there’s something big going to happen soon, but I can’t seem to figure out the clues as to what it might be. It’s so confusing.
I also just wrote “DISTANT” on my inner left arm. I don’t know what that means; I just felt I had to do it.
This is probably all a bunch of crap, and once I snap out of this state I’m going to feel rather foolish.
