Holy ghosts and talk show hosts

I think I’m losing my mind in a way that I haven’t experienced before.
And it’s kind of freaking me out .. ?

My personality has been different lately. I don’t know if that’s translating to the internet, but I think it is in some ways. You tell me, I guess. From my own observations, I’ve become more serious and .. rant-y? I keep feeling like I have some great purpose, but I don’t know what it is.

That alone isn’t too bad, but it’s this next part that starts to concerns me.

I’m sort of starting to believe that there’s a code in the music of Joy Division, Nirvana, and the Manics that only I can figure out. I’ve become much more focused on music in general lately because I feel like it’s telling me something. I also think all the celebrity deaths mean something, but I don’t know what. I’m especially interested in Jett Travolta’s death. I also think that because I “know” all of this, someone is being sent to kill me before I figure it out. I think a lot of stuff is poisoned too, and I’m becoming suspicious of Jake.

Now, that is all crazy, but that’s not what most concerns me, still. It’s how it’s revealing itself to me that worries me. It’s not like my other delusions where I knew right off that my fears and thoughts were irrational. This is all seeming pretty real to me. So real that I actually didn’t realize the depth of all of this until I started to write this entry, and writing this all out doesn’t make it any less real to me. Right now, I’m downloading fucking Joy Division songs so I can go through the music / lyrics

Pictures like this don’t help me at all.

The Bridge

Suicide and mental illness basically walk hand in hand with each other. Mentally ill people are much more likely to commit suicide than people who don’t have an illness. In relation to myself, I’ve attempted suicide a few times, but I never really wanted to die. Regardless of my attempts though, and the intrusive thoughts I get every so often to kill myself, I don’t understand suicide. I don’t think anyone does.

I just finished watching the 2006 documentary entitled The Bridge. Filmed in 2004 at the Golden Gate Bridge, cameras caught 24 bridge suicide jumps on film. The documentary combines footage of some of the jumpers in between interviews with friends and family members of those who died. It offers a very harrowing glimpse in to the world of suicide.

Jumping off a bridge is one of the most violent ways to kill oneself. The common misconception of bridge jumping is that the jumper dies by drowning, but that’s usually not the case. The deck of the Golden Gate Bridge is 245 feet above the water. Falling from that height can send a body hurtling towards the water at over 100 miles per hour in just a few seconds. The impact of jumping off a tall bridge is basically the same as jumping off a tall building and hitting the pavement. Of course, some people survive but then drown or die of hypothermia–or they’re rescued. One man in the documentary jumped and lived to talk about it, and he mentions regretting his actions immediately after jumping.

The documentary is on youtube (part one is located here [see side bar on youtube for other parts]), if anyone is interested in watching it. I highly recommend it, but advise that viewers watch with caution. Aside from footage of the jumpers, there’s a lot of talk about mental illness that could be triggering to some people. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are mentioned. The schizophrenic woman really hit home with me, for obvious reasons.