I think I’m losing my mind in a way that I haven’t experienced before.
And it’s kind of freaking me out .. ?
My personality has been different lately. I don’t know if that’s translating to the internet, but I think it is in some ways. You tell me, I guess. From my own observations, I’ve become more serious and .. rant-y? I keep feeling like I have some great purpose, but I don’t know what it is.
That alone isn’t too bad, but it’s this next part that starts to concerns me.
I’m sort of starting to believe that there’s a code in the music of Joy Division, Nirvana, and the Manics that only I can figure out. I’ve become much more focused on music in general lately because I feel like it’s telling me something. I also think all the celebrity deaths mean something, but I don’t know what. I’m especially interested in Jett Travolta’s death. I also think that because I “know” all of this, someone is being sent to kill me before I figure it out. I think a lot of stuff is poisoned too, and I’m becoming suspicious of Jake.
Now, that is all crazy, but that’s not what most concerns me, still. It’s how it’s revealing itself to me that worries me. It’s not like my other delusions where I knew right off that my fears and thoughts were irrational. This is all seeming pretty real to me. So real that I actually didn’t realize the depth of all of this until I started to write this entry, and writing this all out doesn’t make it any less real to me. Right now, I’m downloading fucking Joy Division songs so I can go through the music / lyrics
Pictures like this don’t help me at all.
January 6, 2009 at 9:39 pm |
Kelley, All I can say is that if you were not present you would be missed by those who love you. What is that movie that James Stewart was in?…. The Miracle on 34th Street, I think. It’s a Christmas story but makes one think. We are all here for a purpose and I believe that. What that purpose is, is the mystery. You may not know what that purpose is, yet, how many of us do at the time we ask the question or even later. Just push through it, and I don’t know anyone who hasnt’ asked the question. I just do know that if you were not here, your absense would be missed by all of us who know you and love you. Does it make sense? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. Granddaddy and I were sitting with one of Uncle David’s college profs after his memorial service discussing this very thing and she wrote on a napkin …”Life Happens”. I think that is the meaning of the life as we know it. When I get bogged down with things I don’t understand that cause me panic, I escape to a good book, my art form, or my sanctuary which is the beach. All make me feel good and relieve me from thinking of the circumstance. You come from a heritage of women and men artists in their right…they communicated in their craft and media. I find solace in needlework, crochet, paint…the monotany of doing something without great thought. It centers me somehow, calms me down, makes me connect to something outside of what is going on. I can’t explain it really, it just works. When I am anxious, the music I choose is classical, soothing, no words or lyrics…just relaxing, easy.
Try it, it may make you feel less anxious. That is my thought.
Take care of yourself, please.
Lovingly,
Aunt Kathy
January 6, 2009 at 10:10 pm |
I think the film was “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but I know what you’re talking about, anyway
I’ve been using art a lot lately to help me cope with things, and it’s really helped. Things have been weird lately, but not really horrible. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday and my therapist on Friday, so I’m hoping to sort my medication / talk things out then. Therapy has been a huge help to me, and I’m hoping a medication change will help my symptoms disappear a bit again.
I’m very thankful that you keep up with things here and talk to me. It’s extremely helpful in keeping my thoughts positive.
January 7, 2009 at 12:54 pm |
Thanks for telling me our communication is helpful to you. I would not want to say anything that would cause you distress or confusion. You are a beautiful young woman with a full life ahead of you. Once you get the meds balanced, I’m sure things will seem better. Today an email came through with this quote and immediately I thought of you with hopes that you might understand it.
“Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life’s problems fall into place of their own accord. ” –J.I. Packer
Think on it and if you want we can talk about it. I’m off to an oil painting class. Even when you get my age, learning new things are fun.
Take care and I’ll text you later.
Love you,
Aunt kathy