My perception of reality has really been off lately. It varies in levels of severity. This morning is particularly bad. I feel disconnected to my surroundings again. I move slowly. I feel like there’s a radio / tracking device in my teeth that plays violin music. Obviously, I can’t remove my teeth, so I have to put up with it. I also, on some level, know that, in reality, there’s nothing really there.
I keep finding “signs” that mean I’m on the right track in my thinking that certain music means something. Nirvana has a song called “Lithium” that I’m particularly infatuated with right now. Lithium is a drug used to treat bipolar disorder. I take that and the line about finding friends “they’re in my head” to mean that what I think is true.
There’s a feeling of intense fear as well. I feel watched and keep seeing things. I thought the water in the sink was going to turn in to razorblades as I washed my hands. I’m afraid to shower because I think something bad will happen to me through the water. I think I’m going to be shot in the head by a sniper.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow to fix my medication. Currently, I’m taking 10mg of zyprexa and 150mg of zoloft. The zoloft works all right, but I feel the zyprexa isn’t doing anything, but if it’s increased, the side effects outweigh anything good it might do for me.
I keep thinking that none of this is real, that I’m just creating it .. for fun? Except I’m not having any fun experiencing this. I’ve had people accuse me of being a hypochondriac of mental health issues in the past, and I guess it’s stuck with me. I know my symptoms are real, but I doubt them constantly. I guess it’s hard for a person to accept mental illness. It’s so intangible to me.
Posted by K. - Living with Schizoaffective Disorder 
