My perception of reality has really been off lately. It varies in levels of severity. This morning is particularly bad. I feel disconnected to my surroundings again. I move slowly. I feel like there’s a radio / tracking device in my teeth that plays violin music. Obviously, I can’t remove my teeth, so I have to put up with it. I also, on some level, know that, in reality, there’s nothing really there.
I keep finding “signs” that mean I’m on the right track in my thinking that certain music means something. Nirvana has a song called “Lithium” that I’m particularly infatuated with right now. Lithium is a drug used to treat bipolar disorder. I take that and the line about finding friends “they’re in my head” to mean that what I think is true.
There’s a feeling of intense fear as well. I feel watched and keep seeing things. I thought the water in the sink was going to turn in to razorblades as I washed my hands. I’m afraid to shower because I think something bad will happen to me through the water. I think I’m going to be shot in the head by a sniper.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow to fix my medication. Currently, I’m taking 10mg of zyprexa and 150mg of zoloft. The zoloft works all right, but I feel the zyprexa isn’t doing anything, but if it’s increased, the side effects outweigh anything good it might do for me.
I keep thinking that none of this is real, that I’m just creating it .. for fun? Except I’m not having any fun experiencing this. I’ve had people accuse me of being a hypochondriac of mental health issues in the past, and I guess it’s stuck with me. I know my symptoms are real, but I doubt them constantly. I guess it’s hard for a person to accept mental illness. It’s so intangible to me.
January 7, 2009 at 10:59 am |
What you’ve been writing these past couple days about signs, codes, messages, etc is reminding me of John Forbes Nash in the movie “A Beautiful Mind”. I haven’t seen this movie in years. Have you seen it? In your opinion and experiences, do you think they do an accurate job portraying mental illness and delusions?
January 7, 2009 at 11:41 am |
Yeah, I’ve seen the film, although it’s also been a while for me too.
I think .. well, I think it was a good Hollywood version of things, but not exactly very accurate otherwise (and John Nash also only suffered auditory hallucinations, as far as I can remember, so in terms of his case, it wasn’t exactly accurate in that respect, either). What I mean by Hollywood version is that scenes are laid out very visually, so the viewer probably assumes that Nash went to these places he went and was talking to himself and stuff like that. In my experience, that’s not how my hallucinations / delusions happen. I do respond to my hallucinations sometimes, but not verbally. Hm, it’s hard to explain this a bit, haha. With my current issues, I’m mostly just listening to music and looking for clues; it’s not all dramatic and I’m not scribbling lyrics on the walls of my room or anything. Looking at me, you’d not know anything was “off” with me. I’m tentative to say this because I don’t know the numbers, but I’d say that most people dealing with delusions keep them to themselves, especially with the level of paranoia that comes with it. I’m only able to discuss this openly because I know on some level that it’s not real. I thought the postman was being sent to kill me earlier, but I wasn’t running screaming at him and trying to beat him away. I just sat smoking and staring at the mail truck. Do you get what I’m saying? Real life is .. er, boring? when it comes to this stuff, at least in my case. I haven’t come across a film yet that has accurately portrayed any of this, but then I think if it did, it wouldn’t be very entertaining. Without all the visuals, nobody would care. Who wants to see a person just sitting there?
February 22, 2009 at 5:05 pm |
I know how you feel