I couldn’t stay asleep last night. I woke up every few hours or so.
Around five in the morning, I kept feeling the presence of my dog around. My dog died in October. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I felt that I had to perform a certain task in order to bring my dog back to life. It happened the same way it happens when I suddenly feel that I should start cutting up my arm or burning my wrist. I wandered out to the kitchen and got the large container of salt. Then I found a paper plate and green highlighter. I wrote “MANDY” on the plate with the marker and placed it on the carpet in the living room. Then I poured a circle of salt around it. After that, I went back to bed and fell asleep.
When I woke up this morning and came out of my room, my mom and brother were standing over the salt / plate and asked me what it was. I said I thought it would bring Mandy back. My mom hugged me and said, “I wish it were that simple.” She hugged me again a bit later on and started crying a bit.
I don’t know what’s going on anymore. To myself, I don’t feel that I’m that crazy, but I realize that I’m being instructed to do things that are a bit strange to others. It’s different than it’s been before. I feel guided to do things, not threatened. Sometimes I wonder if I really am talking to the dead. I don’t know what to think. I can tell this is all hurting others though, which is what most upsets me.
In other news of what’s been going on lately, I start the partial hospitalization program on Monday. I went in for an assessment yesterday, and quite a few of the questions asked upset me because I had to talk about things from my past that I usually like to not think about. It really set me off for a while, but I had therapy later on and that helped calm me down.
My therapist told me that I have a very blunted affect, and she asked me a series of questions about my emotions. I told her that I haven’t truly felt much of anything since I was about twelve. I can recognize social cues (like an angry face, crying due to being sad) and react to them, so she said that proves I have the ability to be empathetic, but as for how I show emotions myself, it’s extremely limited.
I’m going through another period of intense paranoia lately. I’ve deleted a lot of things of mine from the internet. It’s difficult for me to even write here sometimes. I feel like all of this is going to be used against me. I’ve had people make fun of me recently online and that’s only helped fuel all of this and make me think that how I see everything is true. The only way I’m able to keep writing here currently is to remind myself that it’s helping others somehow. Lately, I don’t really understand what’s going on, and it’s difficult for me to even think of myself as dealing with an illness, because it all feels so normal and “right,” but somewhere I know the truth.
I drew this sometime last week, and I think it’s an accurate self-portrait of how I feel currently. Nothing much feels “real” anymore, and it’s almost as if I’m disappearing except for a small portion of my true self that’s left.
