Day I – Partial Hospitalization

Group group group. I think I’m going to like this program. Once again, I’m the youngest person in the group (at least of those who attended today), but everyone’s real friendly and extremely open. I kept thinking of that quote from Fight Club; “Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big, rubbery one.”

There was a man there who’d been in the hospital with me in December, but thankfully he was one of the nicer men and not one who’d hit on me.

At first I was a bit apprehensive about the group, and I thought about walking out, but I soon warmed up to it. You can’t help but feel a closeness to people being so honest about their lives.

Each group lasts an hour (three in a day) and then we break for cigarettes / coffee / food. Truthfully, I was falling asleep through most of today because I haven’t been sleeping well lately. The seroquel’s sedative effect seems to have worn off and instead just keeps me awake at night. I sat in a chair next to the counselor with my hair over my face, but I always looked at whoever was speaking so I wouldn’t seem rude.

We filled out a worksheet on perfectionism, which I at first thought was going to be a ton of shit, but it was actually kind of informative, especially finding out who had what issues with various degrees of perfectionism (we all had some problem with it).

Most people in the group are dealing with depression / bipolar disorder / suicidal thoughts. This is usually what I encounter in groups like this, but I’ll probably always feel a bit awkward no matter how many times it happens, as most of the time I can’t relate to what others talk about. I did try to speak up when I could. One man is bulimic, but I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my past with eating disorders during my first meeting. I wasn’t pushed to speak, either, it being my first group and all. I did speak at the very end, though. I think I surprised everyone with what I had to say, and I was a bit nervous talking about my hallucinations and delusions, but I talked, anyway.

I originally planned to go back on Wednesday, but I was asked to return tomorrow instead. They like to have new members attend two days in a row, and tomorrow there won’t be as many people, so I’ll probably get to talk more.

These groups really make me realize .. how do I put this in words? Not that my problems aren’t “that bad” or anything. I suppose they make me realize how young I am? How blessed I am in certain respects. Most people I’ve met through various mental health programs over the years have been decades older than me, sometimes having no family, really struggling financially, etc. I almost feel like a spoiled brat telling them that my parents help me with everything. I kept thinking of one of Simon Price’s interviews with Richey Edwards when he asked, speaking on Richey’s hospitalizations, “Do you ever think ‘I don’t belong here’?” and Richey replied, “I think I had just as much right to be there as anybody else.” That’s basically how I think as well. Everyone’s got problems. I’m not there to be the worst case of all, nor do I think I’m above any of these people. We’re all struggling the same, in various ways.