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Crap. It’s been another month without updating here. I’m going to try and write more often here again, but it’ll probably be mostly about what’s going on in my life in general, not just focusing on mental illness, so prepare to be bored.

Let’s see, in the past month .. well, I had two instances where my medications (zoloft and seroquel) were withheld from me for around a week or so (individual incidents) and that was pretty awful. The zoloft withdrawal wasn’t as bad as the seroquel withdrawal, but they were both no walk in the park (both caused intense insomnia, no zoloft = plunge into depression, no seroquel = severe hallucinations, flu-like symptoms). It’s a long story as to why I didn’t have each medication, and I don’t feel like going in to all the details right now, but I’m back on all my meds now and hopefully there will be no more complications again.

In other news, my boyfriend and I split up yesterday (a mutual agreement), but this subject really needs its own post, so I’ll go in to details about this later.

And now, a rant!

I’ll save you the trouble of reading too much if you’d rather not by getting to the point of this rant right at the beginning: Nobody can make me feel inferior/ashamed/anything bad in general because of my mental problems. I’ve had a few people online recently attempt to make me feel bad by throwing insults at me related to my mental illness (basically, it boils down to being something like, “lol ur a crazy bitch, go take your meds / kill yourself”), and it’s so pathetic. I’m not a stranger to snarking (aka making fun of) things / people online, and I can definitely reap what I sow when it comes to people snarking me, but there’s a vast difference between being an asshole and being a witty asshole.

I like witty, snarky people. I’m not a big fan of being coddled or coddling other people. Those I get along with the best are people who can take punches (metaphorically, but also sometimes literally) and punch back. But I need those punches to be well thought out, not just cheap shots.

Look, let’s say you’re against someone in a game of chess. Would you rather win by slowly taking all your opponent’s pieces? Or would you rather kick him in the crotch and run? I’m pretty sure most everyone would choose the first option, because it’s one you can feel good about.

To be honest, being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder has not really affected my life very much at all. Nothing in my life became better or worse because of it (except for the few times things have gotten really bad, but still, those were small periods of time and nothing that affected my life permanently). I’m the same person I’ve always been. I have more good qualities than bad, and I don’t feel that the disorder holds me back in any way. That’s why I think it’s stupid that some people think throwing this all in my face will make me feel bad. I don’t feel bad about it in the first place, so why do I give a shit what someone online tells me? If anything, throwing an insult like that around makes me realize that the person I’m dealing with has run out of options to argue against me and is grasping at straws. I mean, honestly, would I be this open about everything if I were ashamed of it? If I felt it crippled me in some way? I’m not throwing a pity party here. I’m here to bring attention to this disorder, and mental illness in general, and get rid of the stigma attached to it. So come up with more creative insults, you mindless twats.

New Year

2008 was a rather shit year for me, so I’m hoping 2009 makes up for it. I hope you all had a happy new year as well!

I have to go to my psychiatrist’s office today to pick up a form for a blood test, and possibly change my medication. I don’t like the zyprexa very much. 20mg is too much and 10mg isn’t enough. I hate wrestling with medication, but I’m hopeful that I’ll find something that works soon.

I’ve been interested lately in trying to figure out the origin of my hallucinations and delusions, and those of others as well. Demonic figures seem to be a common theme, and I wonder why that is. Is it because of something in our culture? Guilty consciences? Usually, there’s a threatening presence as well. It might seem silly to try and rationalize symptoms of a mental illness, but I just think that there has to be a reason for all of this.

As a side note, I’d also like input from those reading this. I’m always open to questions, and I’m sure some of you must have them. Don’t be afraid to talk to me! That’s why I’m here. I’ve also got an “Introduce Yourself” page, if you so desire to do so. I’d like to know who my audience is, and whether or not you find this blog helpful at all.

Also, despite what I’ve said in a previous post, I will delve a bit in to what my experience with hospitalization has been like sometime soon, since it may prove helpful to some people, and maybe debunk some myths. If there’s anything else you’d like me to expand upon, let me know and I’ll consider it.

I believe I can see the future / cos I repeat the same routine

I liked being on zyprexa (anti-psychotic) at first, but after having my dosage increased in the hospital, I’ve been having loads of crappy side effects. I’m calling my psychiatrist on Monday to sort out this issue. It’s so frustrating to go through this cycle of trial and error. I thought I’d stopped it once I was on geodon, but after a few months on it, it started to give me really awful side effects. That’s when I just stopped taking it cold turkey, without the doctor’s approval, and everything went to shit.

I’m not sure how far to plan ahead in my life right now. I want to attend classes next semester, but I want to feel like I’m fairly stable and with a combination of medication that will allow me to function properly. The worst side effects that I get are suicidal thoughts / depression and akathisia. Akathisia makes you want to bang your face into a wall repeatedly and kill people. It’s a very intense feeling of uneasiness, and when it happens to me, I pretty much want to kill myself. The last time it happened was during my hospitalization; I was lying in bed and I couldn’t get comfortable no matter what position I laid in. I kept pulling at the skin on my face and arms in order to calm myself down. It was fucking awful.

Anyway, the only side effects I’m experiencing now are slight weight gain and pretty severe fatigue in the mornings. I just slept for quite a while, even though I slept through the night. Ugh.

I feel okay right now though. I got through yesterday without incident and today seems to be going in the same direction (aside from the sleeping). I’m seeing my therapist in a few hours for an emergency session because of my recent hospitalization. I like my therapist, so I’m looking to it. Talking through things really helps me.

For what it’s worth, I’ve done these two drawings last night / today: